you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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