after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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