I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
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I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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