I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
be right there i have to get my cape
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
