I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
