he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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