my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't think brook has ever known best
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
