she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my shit smells like andre
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
