I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's never too late to be topless.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
