i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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