I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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