I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
