Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
