ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
