There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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