I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
