Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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