So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
