She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack