Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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