What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
