I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
