Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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