So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
