worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
