I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
