NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
