Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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