so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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