Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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