You don't have asthma, your pregnant
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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