I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
