Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
