Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
