i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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