U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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