I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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