A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
