I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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