WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
