the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
