i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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