So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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