She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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