please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
