you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
