This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
