if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
