Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
