I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
