I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am naked and annoyed.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
