Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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