Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
