I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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