Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
