the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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