Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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