I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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