I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
