How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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