I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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